**WARNING: What you are about to read my upset you. It may not align with your viewpoints on life and death. It gets pretty dark. You may in fact think I’m a little crazy and that’s o.k. It took me some extra days to gather my thoughts as this is the second time I’m writing about a woman who has been killed while out running in the short 11-weeks I’ve been writing this blog. So here we go………..
She went out with her shoes (boots) on! That’s something I look at and have to smile.
While I never knew Susan Karnatz personally, we’ve run the same greenway. Odd’s are I’ve passed her on one of my long runs. Just within the last month, I ran my 18-miler along that same exact stretch of pathway where she was killed. I remember telling my friend Jon how nice it must be to live right on or so close to the Greenway.
From the limited details I’ve seen, a deranged and unhealthy 15 year old boy took it upon himself to kill his brother at their home before moving on down the neighborhood and the Greenway, killing and injuring people along the way. Such a complete tragedy that someone so young lost all respect for life, lost the feeling of love for himself and others. It is a soul turned black by evil that allows someone to murder their own brother, their neighbors and strangers. This young man was in an absence of love, a vacuum devoid of empathy and caring. Such a waste of human potential. This young man was hurting and decided to hurt others. A tragedy.
By all accounts Susan was the opposite. She was caring and loving. A wife and a mother who was passionate about people. A Boston Marathon Qualifier and Finisher who loved running on the Greenway. Please read about her in this Runners World article: https://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/a41694826/runner-susan-karnatz-killed-in-raleigh-shooting/
Susan was taken from her children, taken from her husband, taken from her family and community. She left this world not on her own accord or by her own actions, yet she left this life doing something she loved. Running.
She died with her boots on. She died doing something she loves.
I signed the paperwork. My Last Will and Testament followed by my $400k Life Insurance. I was signing these documents because there was a real possibility I was going to die. Back then you signed these documents in Blue Ink. It was the only Army documents you signed in Blue. I was only 21 years old.
Thinking about death was inevitable. I thought about it so much I simply accepted it. We all die, I thought I might as well die in Uniform, with my boots on and with my Paratroopers in service to my country. I saw my Grandfather die of cancer when I was 11. Emancipated, sick and weak. The man I saw on his death bed I didn’t recognize, no the man I knew was an Air Force Veteran, an outdoorsman, tall, strong and smart.
It was at the age of 11 I made the decision I would die doing something. I did not want to die of cancer. No, that would not be me.
Eventually I went back into Iraq on two more occasions. Each with their own threats and dangers, all deadly. I spent many nights thinking about my life and my choices. Had I loved my wife enough? Had I loved my children enough? Do they truly know, in their hearts that I loved them? Do my friends know that I cared, that I would place their needs above my own. Had I lived a worthy life? Would God accept me?
A very close friend of mine has cancer and will most likely die sooner than anyone wants. A young man, in his late 40’s with a horde of children and grandchildren. He’s lived an incredible life of adventure, love, loss and all the joys and sorrows life could bring. We’ve talked about death. He’s had to accept it. My heart hurts for him and his family. He’s a nurse, he knows what the cancer will do. I know what it will do. However he’s a fucking warrior at heart. Fading away on a hospital bed is terrifying.
Sue died doing what she loved. Running.
I have to admire that. I respect it. In a weird and dark way, I’m jealous. Most people in this world will not die doing something they love.
I’ve told my wife and children. When I die, I pray it’s while taking action doing something good. When I do, I hope it’s something worthy, something that would save someone’s life or make the world better. No, I don’t want to die in bed. I want to die with my boots on.
Keep Going!
In Iraq we would would convoy down some dangerous roads. Many of those roads were pock-marked with previous IED’s, dried up blood stains on the road and vehicle parts in the sand. We read the reports of Soldiers being killed just days or hours before. We were briefed on the dangers, but we had to keep going. Yeah, it put some fear into my heart.
This shooting on the greenway; a route I’ve ran before and will run again reminds of war. A dead runner and a woman walking her dog, killed by a disturbed young man. It put fear into my heart.
We have to keep going. You simply can not let that fear paralyze you. You can’t let it drain all the energy, excitement, life and exuberance out of you. We must run on that trail again. We must honor the lives of those murdered and taken from this earth. We must keep going!
For me. I must accept that we all die, and if I must die let it be doing something I love.
This doesn’t mean I’ll knowingly place myself at risk or not take mitigating actions to reduce the risk of dying by the hands of some lunatic. No, I will fight for life to the very bitter end and will be proactive in protecting and preserving life, mine and those of my friends and others on the greenway.
For a while now, ever since I received my Concealed Handgun Permit I’ve ran with a pistol on my long runs. It’s lightweight and is easy to access and use. I carry this to protect and preserve life. Many times I’ve run the scenario through my head of what I would do if I came across an active shooter on the trail. What would I do to protect and preserve life.
Yet Susan Karnatz was there and I wasn’t. Trying to understand or rationalize why a woman with so much love and potential would be taken so early in life could drive anyone crazy. The mysteries of Life and death are puzzling, they always have been and they will continue to be.
While out on the trails, stay in the YELLOW. Be knowledgeable to transition to ORANGE and skilled and prepared to be in the RED. Never go BLACK. It takes training, awareness, knowledge, skills, acceptance and a decision to avoid the black.
Monday: (10.10.2022) Recovery Walk
Yesterday I completed the longest run of my Marathon training, a full 20 miles. I felt pretty good during the run and after as compared to my 18-miler. I didn’t feel wrecked and nothing hurt! Monday was a Federal Holiday and I had the day off work so I decided to get in a +3 mile recovery walk. I got in 3.62 miles around Waikiki Beach area and I took my sweet time, this certainly wasn’t a “Fitness” oriented walk, just get out, stretch the legs and keep the blood flowing.
Results: 3.62 | Avg Pace: 22’30" | Avg HR: N/A | Best Mile: N/A| Feeling Tired
Tuesday: (10.11.2022) 5K
With my legs feeling good, I decided to go get in a decent paced 5K. Something under 9min/mi. However, the trade winds have died down and the island is not hot and humid. Temperatures in the morning are looking at 77F with +70% humidity. Even the locals are complaining about the heat and stagnant humidity. As I step outside I’m really unhappy that I’m stuck on this tiny rock in the ocean. I’m ready for some cooler weather running, the kind of running all my friends are experiencing.
I have to take a deep breath and appreciate the situation I’m in. I’m in so called “Paradise”, so I should probably enjoy this opportunity as I’m uncertain when I’ll be back. All I can think is that discipline will carry me through this week.
It take off on the run and I’m sweating early on and my legs don’t feel right. They don’t hurt and they aren’t sore, but they certainly don’t have the power in them that I’m used to for a fast 5K run. Within the first mile I’m extremely frustrated with myself and can’t quite understand why my legs aren’t responding how I demand they do. It’s almost like trying to use your fingers when they are on the verge of frostbite, you can’t just grab anything or use them how you normally would. That’s how my legs feel. This has to be from the 20-mile run, at least I hope it is.
At 1.5 miles in I’m already halfway done and I figure I might as well try to finish this things out. It really was hot, humid and miserable, even in the early hours. Onward I push to the finish, and call it a day.
Results: 3.10mi | Avg Pace: 9’38” | Avg HR: 141 | Best Mile: 9’15”| Feeling Hot
Wednesday: (10.12.2022) Treadmill ~ Deadmill
After spending all day Tuesday sweating and ending up dehydrated, I just did not want to do another run outdoors in the humidity. I head downstairs to the workout room at the hotel with treadmills and almost immediately regret it. I’m in a +20 story hotel and the treadmills are on the 3rd floor with a very low ceiling. Low enough I could touch it without jumping. Let’s be clear here, I’m only 5’8” tall, so this ceiling was pretty low. I started feeling claustrophobic.
I hop on the treadmill and soon realize that the A/C unit is not working the best. Yeah, it’s blowing cool air but with the humidity so high, this isn’t working. I set the treadmill to 1% and decide that I’ll start slow and increase the speed every 0.5mi.
The reality is, I only made it only 1.45mi before I was done. I didn’t take any pictures as I was simply too embarrassed by my piss poor performance.
Thursday: (10.13.2022): Zero Day. A day of Tragedy.
I’ve already addressed this above.
Friday: (10.14.2022): 5 miler
I woke up and feel like I need redemption after yesterdays zero day and Wednesday’s piss poor performance on the treadmill. I’ve got to do no less than 5-miles and to put on some decent effort. So that’s the plan, off I go.
Again, it’s hot and humid and within just moments I’m sweaty and wishing I was back home in the cool fall weather. Not only am I upset I’m missing this prime running weather, but I also miss running with my club and running with my friends. I don’t mind running solo, but I’d rather that be a rarity than a constant. I’m ready to get home.
Today I decided to stick around Waikiki which means I’m going to be running mostly in the city and urban area. While traffic is minimal, I still need to pay attention to all of the delivery trucks in the early morning along with the wandering, drug induced homeless. It’s really a mess out here.
So onward I plunge into the street light city and start knocking out the miles. As the morning goes on I start to slow down as I’m feeling a little dehydrated and unprepared for this 5-mile run. The weather is really beating me down with the humidity and I’m hoping the trade winds pick up soon and blow all this crap out of here.
Overall the run is decent, not great but not a complete disaster like Wednesday’s treadmill disaster. Made a quick stop to snap this picture and then finished out my last mile.
Results: 5.12mi | Avg Pace: 9’47” | Avg HR: 134 | Best Mile: 9’02”| Feeling Redemption
Saturday: (10.15.2022): Workday / Rest Day
I spent the day working and was unable to get in the run. With my planned long-run on Sunday I’m not feeling to bad about this decision. A rest and recovery day it will be.
Sunday: (10.16.2022) It was horrible!
Sunday’s are my long-run days and I knew I’d be getting in a long run today as well. All week long my legs seem to be running on empty! They had no power, no energy and during the week I was downright miserable. All week long I was trying to determine what my distance would be. My training plan was for an easy 13.1mi but after the week I just had, it didn’t seem feasible.
After the horrific shooting on the Raleigh Greenway, a social media trend was initiated to run in remembrance of Sue. A local runner who was well liked and known in the running community. I did not know her personally, but I’m certain we crossed paths once or twice on the greenway. When she was murdered she was on mile 5.1 of her planned 7-mile run. The Remembrance run was a choice of distances: 1.9mi to complete the run she couldn’t, 5.1 to run what she did or the full 7-miles. I knew I’d be going for at least 7. So off I went.
On the 20-mile run I plotted out a good 10-mile route that takes me past Diamondhead State Park and through a very high-end neighborhood along the beach and then part of a golf course. These are quiet streets with not a lot going on. A good 10-mile out and back course with a challenging hill both directions. Perfect for my Sunday Morning long run. I’ll do 10 miles.
I hit the road and instantly I feel lethargic and my legs feel dead. It’s not good, only 0.5mi in and I’m feeling defeated. However, regardless of how I feel physically I know I have to finish this long run, especially because this run has a little more meaning than a normal long run. This run is for Sue, who couldn’t finish her run.
At mile 3.5, mother nature kicks me square in the guts and I am in urgent need to find a toilet!! I look around and I’m surrounded my multi-million dollar beach front mansions and properties. These properties all have security systems, cameras and are well manicured lawns and hedges. Ducking into a hedge simply isn’t feasible, however I’m certain a few homeless people have done it lately, so I might be able to get away with it. However I don’t look or smell homeless. A quick squat behind a bush isn’t feasible.
Maybe I can find knock on someone’s door. No wait, I’d look like some crazy fool, all sweaty and wearing running gear and that means I’d have to jump over a fence or gate. I could maybe come across someone walking up to their house and I could ask. Nah, that’s fucking nuts too.
Alright, I can go back to the hotel or at least the nearest lobby. Nah, that’s 3 miles away yet. Ok, I know there’s a city park, another mile down the road. I pull up Google Maps, look for the park and BAM! I see a public restroom. I beat feet for the restroom doing my best not to embarrass myself. I mean, if you see a runner with no socks, you know exactly what has taken place.
For the next mile I struggle to the public restroom, figuring out my game plan to deal with a drug induced homeless person. I arrive at the park just in time! Handle my business without having to confront one of the walking zombies and head to the beach. I take a few photos and start my trek back to the hotel.
While my bowels feel a little better, I feel like complete ass. I’m still sweating like crazy on the run, it’s hot and humid and I’m consistently being passed by other runners. I’m doing my best not to compare myself to other runners, but it’s difficult and I’m beating myself up. The only high point of the run was that I continued running all the way to the top of the Diamonhead lookout without stopping. From there on it was all downhill.
Around the 8 mile mark I felt completely wasted. I start thinking, “How the hell am I going to finish the Marathon?!?!? I feel like shit and it’s only 8-miles”. What a total mind job I’m doing to myself. At mile I 8.5 I decide to walk it in and stretch my legs. Instantly I regret it as again I’m being passed by people who look like they are just now starting their run. I think to myself “Damn, I should have kept running”.
Oh well, fuck it. I already stopped my watch and made the decision to walk in in the last mile. I continue my walk and talk some long strides to stretch out the legs. I finish with a 1-mile walk back to the hotel and then start the process of rehydrating.
Overall it was a complete shit of a run. My pace was slow, I felt like shit and my bowels didn’t agree with me. I was passed by everyone and never passed another runner. Everyone looked fresh and ready, I felt like an oversized mixed up Rubik’s cube trying to roll down a hill. It was ugly, not smooth and looked horrendous. It was a horrible run.
Results: 8.5mi | Avg Pace: 10’36” | Avg HR: 140 | Best Mile: 9’18”| Feeling Shitty